


You're More Than in my Head

by Yakkai



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Night Terrors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 21:09:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yakkai/pseuds/Yakkai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-purgatory, Castiel is learning to be human, but he's plagued by dreams of being trapped. Sam is the only one who can make these dreams fade into nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're More Than in my Head

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Shiny Toy Guns.

After Castiel comes back from purgatory, human, unwhole, and broken, he falls into step with the Winchesters. He starts hunting with them, and he slides into their lives with a steady ease, like he was always there. Sam maybe thinks he always was, watching over them.

Castiel learns human routine. He learns to brush his teeth and shower, comb his hair and shave. He comes to know that his stomach is sensitive to acidic foods, that he has to apply deodorant twice a day. These are human things, small things, but things that one grows to know about themselves as they age. Castiel has to build this knowledge from the ground up.

They all dance around one another getting ready. Sam showers while Castiel shaves, Dean sleeps late until Castiel gets in. In diners, Dean sits on one side of the booth and Sam and Castiel sit on the other. They have a pattern to them, the three of them meshing like it was meant to be three and not only two.

Sleeping arrangements are difficult at first, trying to figure out who goes where and when. Their limited budget won’t allow for bigger rooms, so they still settle for two queens. Eventually they figure out that it’s best to rotate. Some nights Sam shares a bed with Dean, sometimes he shares with Castiel, and some nights Dean does. It’s not perfect, but it’s fair, and everybody gets a chance to have the bed to themselves.

Tonight, two weeks since Castiel has come back, Sam is stuck with Dean, and Cas has a bed to himself. Sam’s flat on his back, and Dean’s on his side, has a hot leg slung over Sam’s. Sam keeps trying to scoot away from him until he’s at the edge of the bed and he knows there’s no escape. He falls asleep like that, and he’s sleeping soundly until he’s woken by a ragged shout.

He and Dean both bolt up, and Dean’s got his knife in his hand almost immediately. Sam’s on edge, looking around the room for an intruder, until he sees Castiel. 

Cas is sitting straight up, chest heaving and eyes wide. He looks terrified, confused. Sam throws the covers off of himself and goes to Cas, sitting on his bed and placing a hand on his knee. The touch seems to ground him. His breath steadies, and Castiel looks right at Sam.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he soothes, squeezing Castiel’s knee gently. “What’s wrong?”

Whatever it is, Cas seems hesitant to say. Sam shoots a glance over to Dean, who has slid his knife back under the pillow. Dean looks concerned, but he also looks worn, tired.  
When Sam looks back at Castiel, his demeanor has changed some. He sets his hands in his lap, stares shamefully down at them. 

“I had a dream. I was in purgatory, I— It’s like I was there. Like I never escaped.”

Sam felt his heart settle low in his chest. He knew that Dean had a hard enough time dealing with purgatory, and he noticed little things every day. His drinking, his aggression. How sometimes, if you looked at him when he didn't know, he looked completely lost, like he was trapped here. The thing was, Dean was human, and had been every day of his life. He understood his emotions, knew how to control them.

All of this was new for Castiel. He could only imagine how that fear, that pain sat heavy in his mind, muddling everything else. Castiel didn't have a baseline, he didn't know how a human was supposed to feel. Sam thought maybe he didn't know that this wasn't it.

Dean, realizing that the turmoil was just a nightmare, whumps back onto his pillow and promptly falls asleep.

Sam takes Castiel’s hand in his, soothing warmth of Sam settling in. He swipes his thumb over Castiel’s palm, and Cas looks back up at him, meeting his eyes.

“It’s okay. You’re here, alright? You’re safe. I’m gonna make sure you never go back.”

Castiel nods, “Thank you, Sam.” 

Sam doesn't think Castiel knows just how much he means it. They've all sacrificed so much for each other, but what Castiel has done seemed insurmountable. He never wanted Cas to have to die for them again, to sacrifice himself, to go into battle and know he wouldn't come back. Sam wouldn't let it happen.

“I can stay with you. If you want.”

Castiel gives a small smile, a little gesture that what Sam’s doing is appreciated and affirms, “I’d like that.” 

Sam slides from his spot and slips into bed next to Castiel. He likes sharing with Cas, because Cas is a still sleeper, not at all the thrashing arms and legs of his brother. He settles in, resting his head against the pillow. His knee brushes Castiel’s, a comforting presence. When Sam is almost asleep, he hears the low rasp of Castiel’s voice whisper his name.

He opens his eyes, stares at the ceiling, “Yeah?” 

Castiel sighs, “I cannot sleep.”

Sam hitches his leg up a bit, until his thigh is flush with Castiel’s. He should have known Castel would have a hard time falling asleep after having a dream that traumatic. Castiel had probably never had a nightmare before. 

Cas finishes, “I fear that… I will dream of purgatory again.”

It hurts Sam to know how scared Castiel is of it, how he doesn’t even want to think about it, not even in dreams. He’s not sure of how to comfort Cas, he can’t sympathize, not truly. He thinks about what he has to do on those nights where nightmares seep into the edges of his consciousness.

“Sometimes it helps to think about good things, you know? Things that make you happy. Then that’s what you dream about,” Sam pauses, waiting for Castiel to say something, and when he doesn’t, Sam asks, “What makes you happy, Cas?”

Sam turns to look at Castiel, upturned lips pursed together in contemplation. After a moment, he says, “Flowers. And sunlight. Honey.”

These things don’t surprise Sam, because he already knew Castiel’s affinity for them. When Castiel had taken on his hallucinations, he had become fascinated with bees. Although Sam knew that Castiel’s mind had steadied itself now, these were things that still mattered to him.

“Okay. Imagine yourself in a field of flowers. The sun is shining, too. Picture it. Hold it in your mind.”

Castiel hums in agreement, following Sam’s instructions, shutting his eyes. A small smile dances on his lips. Sam starts to turn away when he notices something different flicker over Castiel’s face. Castiel’s brow furrows, and then he says, “Being with you makes me happy, too.”

Sam feels warmth spread to his face. His stomach feels like it’s filled with light, and he doesn't know what to say. He smiles, small notion just for himself that Castiel cannot see, but pushes it down and tells him, “I’m there with you, ok? Sitting next to you in the field.”

Castiel smiles again and imagines this for a while, and when Sam looks over at him again, his breathing has evened out and he seems peaceful. Sam, too, imagines himself in a field of flowers, and sleep finds him quickly.

When Dean wakes early the next morning, he says nothing about how he finds them tangled together, Castiel’s head on Sam’s shoulder. He just lets them sleep in.

* 

Castiel still has night terrors. It’s not every night, maybe twice a week, but it follows a pattern. He goes to bed, falls asleep soundly, dreams of purgatory, and wakes up, screaming and thrashing.

Nights when he’s alone, Sam easily climbs into bed with him, his presence relieving Castiel in a way. When he’s with Dean, Sam easily coerces Dean out of bed with Cas and into Sam’s empty one. He settles into the place where Dean had been, filling the warm spot and resting his limbs against Castiel’s. When he and Castiel share, all Sam has to do is take Castiel’s hand in his own.

Eventually, they stop rotating. It’s unspoken. It’s supposed to be Dean’s night to share with Castiel but he settles into his own bed and gives Sam a knowing look. Sam thanks him silently.

He and Cas grow closer together in the daylight, as well. They talk more, fill in a gap in each other’s lives. They sit and read together in companionable silence, sharing their presence with one another, no words needed at all. On hunts, they’re more in tune with one another, and the three of them work like a well-oiled machine. Sam reaches a point where he considers Castiel his best friend, his family.

Castiel still has nightmares here and there, but when Sam is with him it seems greatly minimized. The frequency of them reduces to around once a month. In the car, they talk about it, why he’s frightened, and that lessens the fear, Sam thinks. Dean hates their ‘girl talks,’ but Sam knows it helps him too.

One night Castiel thrashes awake, cry trapped in his throat. Sam sits up with him, taking Castiel’s hand in his. If he kids himself, he says he does it on a whim, but he knows he’s been thinking about it every day—he reaches his hand up and cups Castiel’s face, fingers skidding over stubble with a hushed sound. Castiel meets his eyes, places a hand over Sam’s. Something seems different, here, and Sam can’t quite put his finger on it.

The way Castiel looks at him, questioning, uncertain, well, it makes Sam nervous, scared, it make his insides feel like they’re being rearranged. Castiel pulls Sam’s hand from his face and tugs Sam closer to him. Sam’s heart is pounding hard and fast against his rib cage. Castiel touches their foreheads together, and for a while they share breath, and it mingles hot between them. Castiel is still for a time, then he speaks.

“In my dreams, Sam, you’re always there with me. You always pull me out.”

Sam doesn’t know how to respond, doesn't know what he can possibly say to follow that, so he just says, “Yeah, Cas, I got you.”

Cas nudges forward a bit, bumps their noses.

“Cas?”

And just like that, Cas touches their lips together. Sam presses eagerly into him, and they seem to melt. It’s sweet and slow, gentle drag of lips, calming swipe of tongue over teeth. Sams’s got his hands all over Cas, in his hair, on his back, dragging down his shoulders and arms. Now that he is able, he wants to touch him everywhere, fit his hands to any place he can.

It seems exactly right that they've become this. The way they've orbited around one another, were always in each other’s space, it all made sense now. This was culmination.

*

Castiel never has another night terror. He has nightmares, sure, like any other, but never again does he jerk awake screaming. If he did, though, he knows it would be okay, because Sam would be there to kiss it away.


End file.
